


the square root of 69

by spacebounds



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7277932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebounds/pseuds/spacebounds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an interviewer brings up fanfiction, Michael explains oneshots to the rest of the band.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the square root of 69

**Author's Note:**

> currently in the process of moving all my fics from my tumblr (thinqng) to here so that i can change my blog theme and remove my masterlist from there. if you've read my stuff before, this is just me reposting my stuff elsewhere so people can still read it if they really want to

This is all Michael’s fault really. They made a pact about not ever reading stuff like this. Fanfiction itself is a bit of a questionable thing to be into as it is, but fanfiction _about_ yourself? There’s bound to be some sort of rule against this kind of thing.

Still, Michael finds it a little bit flattering that there are tons of talented writers in the world and they use some of that talent on him, so every once in a while he goes and looks through the tumblr tags to see if anyone’s written anything especially good just to get a little laugh out of it.

This is all for research purposes of course. He really does not like fanfiction whatsoever. 

In fact, he hates it so much that when the band goes to New York and gets asked in an interview if they ever read the stuff, he immediately informs the audience that no, he does not, and will never, ever read those wretched fanfics and everyone would be better off if they ignore them.

“Stay away from oneshots,” he says, trying to stifle a chuckle. “Don’t go anywhere near them.”

He clears the history on his phone directly after the interview.

That should be the end of it really, and it is, until they all get back to their hotel and they decide to hang out in Ashton’s room. (The poor guy really does hate the dark but he’s a little too old to say it so he just invites the others to stay in his room until they all get exhausted and he’s lucky that they do.)

It’s just average boy chatter at first. Girls, music, the works. Calum starts playing with his phone and Luke tries making a couple jokes that only Ashton laughs at (even though he doesn’t find any of them funny. He just doesn’t want Luke to feel bad that no one’s giving him the time of day because then he’ll start whining for attention and nobody wants that.) Michael is just about ready to call it day and go to bed when silence falls over them, but then Luke-it’s always fucking Luke-has to go and open the can of worms that gets them into this situation in the first place.

“So…” Luke says, his deep voice sliding into the silence so smoothly that his band mates don’t even notice he’s speaking until he clears his throat. Instantly, three pairs of eyes are on him. His own blue eyes are focused on the carpeted floor beneath him and his cheeks are a little red and Michael worries where this is going because even though the boy blushes like a toddler and his red face could be an indication of virtually anything, Luke never just says “so…” if it’s anything good and Michael admits to himself he’s nervous about what’s going to happen.

“I was just wondering…” Luke says, drawing out his words. Stalling. Calum puts his phone down now that his attention has been piqued. Ashton’s all ears (though no one would expect anything less from him) and Michael feels anxious though he can’t explain why until the words tumble from Luke’s lips that start the conversation; “What exactly is a oneshot?”

And it’s at the precise moment that Michael keels over (though he’s not sure if it’s from the sheer humor of the situation or if he genuinely wants to die at this point). Calum and Ashton have no answer and Michael’s laughing too hard to even get air into his lungs let alone answer the question, and poor Luke is left sitting on the floor wondering what on Earth he said that could have possibly been so funny.

“What?” Luke asks. “It’s a valid question. I want to know.” It takes Michael another thirty seconds of wheezing on the floor before he’s able to speak.

“You know what fanfiction is,” Michael says. “It’s exactly that, just condensed. Like a sort of "one and done” kind of deal.“

"Oh,” Luke says, nodding his head. He starts nibbling on his lip ring the way he always does when he’s given new information, as if sinking his teeth into the small metal ring will make things stick with him better. “Like a short story.”

“Sure,” Michael says. “Just usually a bit more inappropriate.” Luke doesn’t seem to understand this, even with Calum and Ashton gagging beside him.

“What do you mean by inappropriate?” Luke asks, blinking his baby blue eyes in a way that makes him seem even younger than usual. Innocent, Michael thinks to himself. Sometimes Luke is too vanilla for his own Goddamn good.

“You’re joking, right?” Michael asks. “You have to know what I mean.”

“Well I mean, inappropriate, it’s kind of- that’s a broad term. Like, do we just say ‘fuck’ a lot or something?”

Michael kind of wants to keel over again, and this time he’s certain it’s because he wants to die.

“He means we fuck a lot,” Calum interjects, saving Michael the torture of having to explain things in terms Luke will understand. Without hesitation, Calum takes his right hand and makes a circle with his thumb and forefinger before he moves his left index finger in and out of it, all the while making eye contact with the youngest member of the band who slowly looks more and more mortified as he puts the pieces of the puzzle together.

“Oh,” Luke finally manages to breathe out. His cheeks are so red he almost looks like his been slapped and Michael can’t help but laugh at the poor idiot, at the sheer awkwardness of the situation, at the way the universe likes to put him in these ridiculous situations. It’s funny. It’s just way too fucking funny.

“I read one once,” Ashton pipes up in the midst of the silence. “A oneshot, I mean. Now that I know what it’s called.” The band turns to look at him and he has a sheepish grin on his face, that kind of reflects the level of embarrassment everyone in the room seems to achieved save for Calum.

“Once,” Michael mutters with a hint of doubt in his voice just noticeable enough for Ashton to give him a pointed look.

“Yeah, once,” Ashton says, immediately squashing Michael’s teasing. “I thought it was going to be cute, like me in the future as a dad, you know? But then I started reading and it got all… Sexual and she was calling me daddy as I… Well… you know. It was bizarre. Very bizarre.”

“Daddy?” Luke asks, but before he can say anything else, Calum’s contorting his face stupidly, scrunching up his nose and shutting his eyes in what could be a rather sexual way (had it not been for the given circumstances) as he exaggeratedly starts squealing and whimpering and moaning in the highest pitch his voice can manage.

“Oh Ashton, bang me like you bang your drums daddy!” Calum mimics, his head lolling from side to side as he speaks. Ashton’s cheeks are a bit pink but he’s starts dying of laughter and Michael follows suit, falling to his side and laughing so hard he can feel tears form in the corners of his eyes.

“Accurate,” Michael manages to say. “Incredibly accurate.” And that’s the precise moment when Michael fucks up, because Luke (it’s always fucking Luke) has to go and be the one to pick up on the underlying message in Michael’s statement.

“You sound like you’ve read quite a few oneshots,” Luke says, and suddenly Ashton and Calum are looking at the green-haired guitarist as well.

“I don’t- What?” Michael stammers stupidly for a moment, heat rushing to his face until he can feel blush spread from the bridge of his nose to the tips of his ears, giving away everything. “No I haven’t, they’re so- I could never, I wouldn’t-” But he knows he’s already dug himself into a hole and he’s positive now, one hundred percent positive that he actually, really wants to die.

“I’m not judging you,” Luke quickly says. “I was just saying. It’s like, that’s what it seems like anyway.”

“Yeah mate,” Calum adds with a small smile before mischief flashes in his dark eyes. “Whatever gets you off.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Michael quips. Calum’s only response is a giggle. It’s quiet for a moment and Michael feels like he’s somehow made this awkward, because he went and broke the unwritten rule about not talking about fanfiction and certainly the rule about not reading it and now he’s not sure what to do.

“How do you even find this stuff?” Luke finally asks, making so much eye contact with Michael that the older boy feels a bit uncomfortable.

“I’m not telling you how to find oneshots Luke.”

“I’m not going to look for them!” Luke says indignantly, his already flushed cheeks getting a little darker. “I was just asking a general question. Like how do you find them?” It goes against Michael’s better judgment but he’s already fucked up so many times for the day that he sees no harm in answering the question, and so he does.

“Tumblr mostly,” Michael says. “Just sift through the tags for a bit, you’ll find them. Sometimes they just pop us on the dashboard.”

“Oh,” is all Luke says, and it’s all anyone says for a while.

“So wait,” Calum says. Michael turns to look at the bassist, and even though he knows nothing can be more awkward or uncomfortable than what he’s already endured, the way Calum changes his body position to show how engaged he is in the conversation makes Michael worry about the possible directions the conversation might take.

“What?” Michael asks, though he hopes Calum will say nevermind and the conversation can finally die. Michael is not that lucky.

“Are the oneshots any good?” Calum asks. Michael makes a noise that vaguely resembles choking.

“Fuck this, I’m going to bed,” Michael says, readying himself to leave Ashton’s room as quickly as possible.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Ashton coos. “You can’t just expect us not to be a little bit curious. We’re all best mates here, I think you can talk to us about this.” Michael kind of wants to get up and leave anyway, but it occurs to him that he’s in a band with the three idiots he’s surrounded by and they’re not going home for months and if he ever wants any peace of mind, he’ll have to be a good sport.

Michael really hates his life sometimes.

“Fine,” Michael huffs. The three remaining members smile in unison and Michael takes a deep breath before he begins speaking. “Some of it is just okay. But some of it is written well. Some fans are really good at writing and they all kind of stick to some things about us like we’re characters, does that make sense? It’s kind of cool- I mean, at least I think, anyway.”

“How do they describe us?” Calum asks, resting his chin in his hands as he listens intently. “What do they say about me?”

“They say you’re whiny and submissive.” The whimpering noise and the pout Calum makes do not help his case. Michael smirks and turns to Ashton next. “They like calling you daddy obviously. And they think Luke is vanilla.”

“I am not!” Luke insists.

“Unless you’re planning on posting a sex tape sometime soon, I’m not quite sure how you’re going to accomplish proving that,” Michael says, and the conversation comes to a natural pause before Luke speaks up again.

“I want to read one,” Luke declares. “I want to see how fans portray me.”

“No,” Michael says, so firmly it causes his bandmates to jump back. “You’re not reading a oneshot ever. I don’t think you could handle it.” Luke isn’t listening. Instead he’s pulling out his phone and typing furiously despite Michael’s please for him not to. “Don’t do it Luke, you’re going to regret this!” but Luke’s alrady clearing his throat, preparing to read the oneshot he’s found out loud to the band.

“She laid on the bed, heart pounding as she awaited for her four daddies to come and punish her. She’d been such a bad girl and she knew she deserved whatever punishment they were about to give her, shivering in anticipation as she was blindfolded and handcuffed to the bed before asking quietly ’Who’s going to take me first?’ " Luke pauses, looking up at his band members as realization dawns on him. "Wait. No.”

“With one girl… Do they really think that all four of us would… ” Calum begins, but never finishes his question.

“And at the same time?” Ashton mumbles.

“I warned you,” Michael says shaking his head. “You haven’t learned how to avoid those ones yet.”

Pause. Silence.

“This was fucking weird,” Luke says.

“Stay away from oneshots,” Michael replies.


End file.
